Have compassion, yes. But temper it with reason.
Each day I see those who are not well off. Those who need a helping hand. My heart goes out to many of them.
Especially now, at Christmas, it normal to want to spread compassion and help those he need it and deserve it. Just last month, I assisted a youth group in their project to feed the homeless at a homeless shelter.
I fully support donating time and food in such worthy causes. But I draw the line at giving them money. For example, I often see homeless men on the side of the road with a cardboard sign reading “need a little help, please!” or something similar.
I feel for his plight, but I refuse to reward him not changing his life.
I admit there are many mentally ill among the homeless. I am half-way through a master program to become a counselor. I plan to donate time for those who are homeless and mentally ill. But I still will not give them money.
Am I heartless? Hear me out. First, let’s talk about compassion.
Types of compassion
Most people know what compassion is: feeling bad for others, wanting to ease their burdens. Some of us don’t realize there are two approaches to compassion: feminine compassion and masculine compassion.
Most of us know what feminine compassion is: the desire to help, nurture and care for another. Masculine compassion is a little more harsh. It is also feeling for the other person, and a desire to help. But it also recognizes helping can mean demanding action, or taking action to relieve suffering.
Here is the best example I can give to explain the two types of compassion: I like to watch animal planet and similar type shows. The program I watched not long ago was a documentary on lions. A young lioness was trampled by a herd of animals as it was trying to hunt. It was seriously injured.
The other female lions gathered around the injured one. They nurtured it, stayed close to it and did everything one would expect from the nurturing nature of compassion.
Then the male came over. He too was attentive to the injured lion. But when it became obvious that the injured lioness was seriously injured, the male killed it.
This is a harsh example of feminine and masculine compassion. As difficult as it may be to understand, the male lion’s act was just as loving as the nurturing of the females: he ended the suffering of a friend when it was obvious that friend would not recover.
(For a better explaination of feminine and masculin compassion, read Yin and Yang Compassion.)
Help them. But don’t give them money.
A sign I recently saw entering Grand Junction, Colorado read, “A hand-out is not helping them out.”
When dealing with the homeless, I support donating food, clothing, toys, etc to help them. I have done so myself. But as soon as we start handing them cash, many of them lose incentive to do anything better. It’s operant conditioning at it’s finest: Reinforcing a behavior so it is repeated.
A friend of mine’s son has been homeless for several years. He refuses to get a job. And he’ll tell you, “why should I?” He gets free food, free medical care, donations on the street. On Sunday, he doesn’t have to go to church, church comes to him as missionaries preach and feed him. In most ways, he lives the carefree lifestyle many of us wish for.
We form our own reality
We live the lives we want. That’s the message in The Secret, which I wrote about in Why is The Secret in everything?
We make choices every day. Some of the choices are subconscious ones, but we make them. These choices affect our realities. They become our realities.
I am living the life I chose to live. Even though there are many things about it I am unhappy with, I chose it anyway. Now that I recognize it, I am doing things to make new choices.
It is the same with the homeless.
Have “tempered” compassion. Help them with food, clothing, job training and encouragement. Show them what they need to do to overcome homelessness. Instill in them a vision of prosperity.
But never pay them to be homeless.
(Update: not everyone agrees with this point of view. What do you think? Leave a comment below.)
Woah man, this is great, has certainly given me a lot to think about. A very different perspective - masculine compassion. Thank you for this.
[...] Shawn Williamson at do you LIVE or simply EXIST. [...]
[...] Deb EstepCompassion In The Teachings of Jesus, by Swami NirmalanandaCompassion, by Jerry Summers Compassion, Yes, But Temper It With Reason, by Shawn Williamson Compassion, The Ultimate Act of Love, by Patricia Singleton 000 Explore [...]
Shawn, I agree with you 100 % in your approach to compassion. A handout of money is demeaning and keeps the helpless helpless. And some people do make a business of being homeless to beg money.
Patricia,
Thanks for your comments!
Some people make a business of being homless to beg money, because we as a society allow it. Perhaps it is our culture.
A few months ago my wife and I were fortunate enough to visit Paris. We would encounter street people from one of the slavic countries with a note in hand asking everyone they saw, “English? English?” If you responded, they thrust a note written in english in your hand explaining how tragic their life was and asked for money.
Why did they only target english speakers? I think its because our culture makes us more sympathetic.
Our own, “will work for food” sign bearers captialize on that because they know people who stop will not offer them a job, but merely hand them money.
There was an article in the Chicago Tribune a while back that said that these so called “homeless” people were coming into the city on commuter trains from the suburbs and actually made up to $75,000. a year. (Cash)
Pretty scary. So, I see your point. And I admire your objective of “teaching people to fish,” as they say.
But, I am a sucker. Especially for women. You never know if they really need it and a few dollars does not make any difference in my life. They may really need that “carfare” they speak of.
Almost any woman you talk to will tell you her greatest fear is ending up as a “bag lady!” At the end of the money there will be life left!
Hi Shawn,
A very well written article. Insightful, and it provides a much needed perspective on the act of being generous. Thanks a lot.
[...] Jenny Mannion at Heal Pain Naturally. Evan Hadkins at WellBeingAndHealth.Net. Shawn Williamson at do you LIVE or simply EXIST. Patricia Singleton at Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker. Alex Blackwell at The Next 45 Years. [...]
[...] Jenny Mannion at Heal Pain Naturally. Evan Hadkins at WellBeingAndHealth.Net. Shawn Williamson at do you LIVE or simply EXIST. Patricia Singleton at Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker. Alex Blackwell at The Next 45 Years. [...]
Hi Shawn,
Thanks for your post on the different types, and enabling compassion. Often people want to help, but go the wrong way about it, this helps clearing that up. Best of luck with your Masters.
Peace,
Wade
[...] Shawn Williamson at do you LIVE or simply EXIST. [...]
[...] Shawn Williamson at do you LIVE or simply EXIST. [...]
[...] Shawn Williamson at do you LIVE or simply EXIST. [...]
Isn’t it contradictory to refuse to give them money but give them food and clothing?
They are ALL forms of handouts.
Why should they work? They get food given to them so they don’t need money to buy food. They are provided clothing so they don’t need money to buy new clothes.
Money is not the only form of “pay”.
What is the incentive for them to get up and fight to better their situation?
Listen, I used to be homeless. I lapped up each and every handout that came my way. I kept this going for just under a year. Some guy came up to me at some point and asked me, “Why do you choose to be homeless?” and then immediately walked off without waiting for my response.
My reaction? Anger, of course. Why would I CHOOSE to be homeless? It was something that happened to me that was completely out of my control and I was stuck this way. “Who is this audacious …. to patronize me like that? I bet he had it easy all his life. Spoiled brat got everything given to him…” etc (leaving vulgar language out of this blog
Couple of days later (after anger had cooled down), I remembered what he said and thought, “Wait a minute, AM I choosing to in this position? Have I been looking for a job? Have I been working hard to try to change something about my situation?”
It dawned on me that I was content with what was given to me (for FREE - no effort on my part) in an abstract way and that kept me there. From then on, I worked as hard as my energy allowed me, putting 40-60 hours a week into looking for a job - ANY job. You would be surprised how many jobs I applied for. Anyway, eventually I got a cleaning job at a restaurant seriously short of staff. They only accepted me because I said I was willing to take much less pay than they were advertising. The boss even let me take a shower at his place to clean up my presentation!
You know what? I’m making this too long. To cut a long story short, I got hired and fired dozens of times but kept working and building my money because I NEEDED it for food, shelter and clothing and I had to WORK for it (i told myself that anyway… I refused to be drawn back to my old ways). I eventually could afford to rent a dump of a place to live. And further on in my life the bank decided to provide this former bum with a mortgage and I now own a reasonably impressive house with the mortgage half paid off, earning a more than modest wage. Coming up to aged 33 - that was 5 and a half eventful years of my life.
Whenever a homeless person asks me for money, food or whatever, I offer them advice instead. Only advice. Most of them are not interested because, in some way or another, they are SATISFIED by where they are. However miserable and worse off they seem, they don’t want to change it (on some level). It’s not that they wouldn’t want things to change - they would just want more things to be given to them for free!
I hope somebody reads and considers this post because I may have made it too long.
WD